Joy & Fear

 My sweet Parker Penny before her appointment.

Yesterday morning I was intentional about capturing each moment with Parker before her Dr.'s appointment. I bathed her not knowing if I would get to bathe her again for another 6 weeks.  I nursed her not knowing if I'd be able to cradle her in my arms the same way.  I changed her diaper, and as she grabbed her toes to chew on, I wiped away a tear wondering if that was the last time she would be able bring her feet to her mouth.

All these moments we take for granted with our children.  I tried desperately to hold myself together all morning as we prepared for her appointment.  Every anxious, negative thought I wished away in the name of Jesus. 

She cried as I held down her legs; the X-ray machine hovered above her.  It's hard to see a tiny baby in a cold sterile hospital room with heavy duty equipment.

We waited for our Dr. to come in and share the results.  I could see her X-rays pop up on the computer...I stared at the image of her bones and wished I could interpret what it meant.

The Dr. came in and I couldn't help it...I started crying before she shared the results.

"Her left hip looks normal, but  her right is slightly off compared to a baby with normal hips.  But for a baby with hip dysplasia it looks pretty good.  I wouldn't be too concerned about it."

My emotions were in a quandary.  I was ecstatic that I wasn't bringing my baby home in another brace, but wait...her right hip isn't perfect?  My heart sank.  And immediately I started getting anxious because we weren't doing anything about it.  And we go through this again in 3 months.  And again and again until she's a teenager. 

But I scooped up my baby girl grateful this day was going to be like the previous days.  Grateful that I didn't have to learn how to hold her again with a contraption spreading her legs apart. Grateful I wasn't going to have to buy a special car seat.  Grateful I didn't have to go through the frustration of changing a diaper with her in a brace again.  

So here I am; a juxtaposition of joy and fear.

This is where I learn to trust. And wait. And pray. And be thankful.  Repeat.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

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