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It just kinda hit me that I will forever hold the title mom. It's a hefty title to hold. I'm curious how my relationship with my daughter will unfold and wonder how she will view me when she is a young woman.
Mother daughter relationships are complex and complicated. I don't really know my mother. I know that sounds strange. I love her and I know without a doubt she loves me, but there is a communication barrier that separates us. My mother speaks poor English, and I don't speak Korean. Our conversation has always been very basic and superficial.
I didn't realize that I didn't really have a relationship with my mom until I went off to college. My roommate at the time spoke with her mom on the phone
every day. And I noticed most of the girls I went to college with spoke with their mothers often too. Since I left home at 18 I probably spoke with my mother on the phone 4-5 times a year. There just isn't really much to talk about when you don't speak each other's language.
It's a bit strange...I don't really know much about my mom's life. I know she grew up very, very poor, was only educated through fourth grade, and lost her mother at a very young age to suicide. Her circumstances created a very fierce, strong willed, opinionated woman packed into a 4 foot eleven inch, 100 pound frame.
I know she did the very best she knew how to love me and raise me. I am her only child and I know the second I was born, her life became about mine. I'm positive 99% of the worry in her head is about my well being.
I'm not angry, or hurt, or bitter. I love my mom dearly; I only wish we knew each other better, especially as she ages. She has had health issues most of her life, but lately has been going through some health things that really make me wish we lived closer to each other.
Although it was my very first Mothers Day, I couldn't help but think about her. Our relationship isn't typical, but it is what it is and I'm thankful to still have her in my life.
Are you and your mom close?